As Before…But More

As anyone who’s spent significant time alone will know, there comes a point when it becomes difficult to ignore one’s constant companion: oneself.

Now many who travel alone go in search of just that – a greater understanding of oneself – no matter how difficult an understanding that may turn out to be. And in this I am no exception, though this is not my first time along this road. 

Years ago I packed all my stuff, whatever was left from all that was sold, and packed it into two suitcases, my parent’s basement, and my Gram’s garage. 

The suitcases I took with me, through the airport in Munich, train to Nürenburg, back up to Paris, and finally to their new home in the middle of nowhere – exactly where I’d hoped to go.

You see my life at that time felt a bit in disarray. I’d done fine, of course, in a purely academic sort of way. I had a job, an apartment and interests of some kind. But I felt myself utterly alone in those days and no amount of successful living diminished that loss.

My year abroad was amazing and something I’ll never forget. But my loving French family picked up a very unhappy girl that night in the dark in a lonesome little town.

They loved me as best they knew how and I did the same, but I missed my own family, or at least the parts I hoped someday to call my own. I lived my life there with them and grew a whole new part of myself I’ve never left behind, but still that hole sat gaping in my heart.

Ten years went by and I worked jobs, found hobbies and tried never to be alone.

But I always was.

And there’s no greater pain that I’ve known than this feeling of being alone. 

And then the worst happened, I lost my job. The victim of a company going through change and I was the first to go as only circumstance might have it.

It was the moment to let go. And I did.

In that moment I faced a choice: give in to the loneliness and let my constant critic take hold and pull me under, or reach out and go over this road I was on.

  

I reached out.

I listened.

I took in the support that was around me.

And I learned.

I learned my own value – in a non-competitive, non-commercial way. I realised I was good at my job and made a difference by doing it. I saw that I was supported and the victim of circumstance, no more and no less. I learned that I could be loved and cared for in a way I’d never believed in before. And I learned that I’d been standing in my own way for oh so long, terrified at every turn that I was somehow unlucky, unlovable and unable to cope.

I learned in my low point that I had something of value to add to this world, and I grabbed it.

And so I bought myself a one-way ticket to Sydney, Australia. I believed I could get a job when I got back and I had an idea of what kind and how to do it.

I rode buses, slept in stinky hostel rooms and saw wonders of every kind. I met others who told their stories and listened attentively to mine.

I found my place.

And in it I found my longing for home. My desire to be in and around my family, flaws and all. I believe I’ve also found my purpose.

You see, I was a writer before, oh so many years ago, and an athlete, too. I may not have been the best in those worlds, but I had something to offer and that feeling never really left.

And so I find myself today as before…but more. 

I’ve learned to be a writer again, so many years down the road, and an athlete, too, though slower than before. I don’t have the same jump or speed, and I’m not a fast hiker either. But in hiking as in life – I keep moving.

And this time I’ve life in my eyes, and humor, too. I’m tired, as well, as these young backpackers carry me on much farther than I would otherwise go. But I’m a whole self in a new way and find much to give back to this world that may have hidden from me for a time, but been with me all the while, whether I knew it or not.

So, friends, I find myself about to become a writer, and with a confidence I haven’t had in some time, if ever. And I hope you’ll come along with me on this journey because I have so much I want to share, so much I’ve learned.

And I’d like to thank all who’ve been there with me on the journey so far. My friends and family, and my work family, too. You’ll never know how much you gave me the day I walked out the door.

As my sister says:

  

Sometimes, they’re found.